Moms Talk: Teenage Trouble

Join in on the conversation! We want to hear your thoughts, so drop them in the comment box below. Our questioning readers will appreciate your help. 

This week, our Moms Council answered this question:

"Is anyone else having trouble with a teenage daughter being verbally abusive and mean to everyone at home, nearly all the time? We've tried punishing her, to no avail. We've tried to talk to her and offer opportunities where we just listen about the reasons behind this behavior but she will not even participate in reasonable conversation. If she won't talk to us, we don't know that she'd talk to a counselor, either if we forced her to go to one (and paid all the co-pays for it). We're pretty stumped here, and it's not a good situation. Advice?"

Moms Council member Valerie Gotaskie said:

I suppose the first question is: Is she horrible to everyone in general or just at home? If she is fairing poorly at school or losing friends because of her attitude, that's probably indicative of a larger issue and one that may need professional guidance whether she wants it right now or not.

However, if people outside the home would be surprised to hear how she behaves toward her family, there are probably some other avenues to try before resorting to a paid therapist or counselor.

It's probably worth trying to take a step back and imagine what it feels like to be a teenager. I remember being really unsure of myself. One moment I was positive I was an adult and capable of doing everything for myself, and the next moment, the big, bad world scared me to death...but I would never admit that to my parents.

Is there an adult she seems close to? Coach, teacher, aunt or grandma? Without asking that person to break the daughter's confidence, perhaps ask that adult to gently raise the issue with her to bring it to her attention that her behavior is unacceptable. I had a teacher in high school who just seemed to "get me" more than my mom and whose advice and example meant more to me than my mother's.

Whatever is going on, it seems you know that it's worth your effort to get to the bottom of it.

Moms Council member Heidi Green added:

I would not assume that the daughter wouldn't speak with a counselor. I can't believe that she feels happy herself and a counselor may be viewed as an ally in resolving this problem. Probably a mix of individual and family counseling would be helpful.

Moms Council member Pat Schaefer said:

This is a tough question because there are a number of questions that need to be answered. First, has there been relational issues in the past?  Acting out, angry behaviour that was beyond managable kid temper tantrums? Has this girl needed to see a therapist in the past or has the family been in counseling? If so, then now is the time to reconnect with that service. If all has been fine, then...Mom needs to be a bit of a detective. 

If there are two parents in the home -- if you have issues, you need to get your relationship straight. Or make a pact to work together to help your kid for your kids sake. United you'll stand, divided you can't expect her to come to either of you and share what she's feeling. One may need to back off, one may need to step up. The thing I remember most when I first became a mom was watching T. Berry Brazelton on TV who was a great pediatrician. Most of the time, when he helped the parents feel secure in their parenting the kids ended up being just fine....But it's not always the parents. You can be as solid as a rock and your kids can still be rough.  

So...What's changed? When did this behaviour begin? How is she at school? How does she relate to her friends? Does she have friends? How is she with the family members of her friends? Are the friends' families having the same problem?          

If she is not getting along at school, if she really doesn't have friends, talks smack about all the kids at school, then she may be experiencing bullying at school, or she may be having trouble in school that grades don't reflect. She may be feeling stress to succeed or afraid she's failing. If all her posse are behaving the same way, then parents need to unite.  

If there is a school counselor, make contact and see what they recommend.        Most of the time, parents of friends will say "Oh, she/he's so nice here..."  What do your friends experience when you all visit with them -- and their kids (really)?  If she is a delight everywhere else, then there's something going on where "home" is either a safe place to vent, or she's wrestling with changes at home or family that she feels safer pushing away than talking it out.  

Either way, if she can be nice elsewhere, then she can certainly be nice at home.    It's not OK to be mean to the family and siblings. 

Time to deal with what the real issues are and to take meanness off the table as a way to communicate. Don't give up.

Moms Council member Kathleen Gracia said:

I probably have more questions than advice. Is the behavior change recent or has this been her attitude for years? Has something changed in the family dynamics, at school, or with friends?  Some girls have a hard time expressing feelings with parents and tend to keep things to themselves. It sounds like you have tried all the right things.

Taking her to a counselor is a reasonable thing to do but be prepared to participate with an open mind for discussion of changes that you might be asked to make to improve things. Your daughter may not talk with a counselor at first, but she will eventually. Seeking some professional help would be the way that I would go.

Interested in joining the Moms Council or have a question you'd like to ask? Send yours to beauchamp.sarah1@gmail.com!